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Helping Your Child With A Move
Dear Parents,
We are a culture on the move. We move within the same town, between cities, between states and even to other countries. We move for as many reasons as there are moves. We move because we are transferred, because we change or lose jobs, because we get married, separated or divorced, because we need another bathroom or a bigger yard. Handle With Care! Moving to a new home is a big change for everyone - even little people! Your children's lives will be affected by a move, and it's a good idea to keep them informed and even consult them about choices when possible.
Anyone who has moved knows that it is a stressful time, even under good conditions. Consider how difficult relocating must be for a child. Traditionally, we have worried most about our older teenagers and uprooting them from friends.
When you are contemplating a move, include your children in the discussion at family meetings. If relocating is only a possibility tell them that, but if it is a necessity, listen to their concerns first before telling them that a move must take place. Be positive and talk about new opportunities and adventures living in a new home willbring. Be honest by saying that changes are difficult, even for grown-ups. Stress that you will always be there for your child and that you are a team.
If you are moving due to divorce or separation, you need to be even more attentive to your child's needs or questions. Before a change in scenery can be discussed the child needs to be reassured that both Mommy and Daddy love him as much as ever, and that you will both continue to be a part of his life.
Every year, one out of five families move. One of the most important issues to anyone with kids is their reaction to the news that they're moving, and their adjustment to the new home. Being informed is very important to children. One of the worst mistakes we can make as adults is to assume that kids don't care or won't understand the details. Keeping them "in the loop," consulting them about choices whenever possible, and including them in the family game plan will work wonders toward their adjustment. Other factors depend on the child's age.
Other tips for making the transition:
Give young children an entertaining travel kit for the move.
Give older children a diary for recording the trip & move.
Give children of all ages a special address book & stationary set for keeping up with old friends.
Take videos of the new home if the kids won't get to see it before the move. Arrive well before the movers so kids can explore and become acquainted first.
Give children a chore to do, such as working on their room (younger), supervising little siblings (middle), and painting or arranging furniture (older kids).
Take a break with the family as soon as possible to explore the museums, sights and recreation in your new city.
Arrange a visit to new schools and a meeting with the teacher before the actual first day of attendance.
Encourage the children to bring new friends home.
Preschool Children
Thank heavens, babies and toddlers are portable, and this is the easiest time to move your family. It will help your child to feel secure if his familiar belongings are unpacked first. Whatever you do, do not trust that special blanket or bear to the movers. Any tangible item that your child is attached to needs to move in the car with him. Let your toddler "help" unpack his things while you find your silverware.
Children under 6 years of age may worry about being left behind or being separated from their parents. Be sure to reassure your children that you will be back if you must go on an orientation trip without them. Bring a souvenir back to them when you return and maybe a picture or postcard to show where they will be living with you. It is very important for them to express how they feel about the move. Give them a job to do -- have them be responsible for boxing up their favorite toys, and "labeling" their boxes with crayons and stickers. To help them feel more secure, you might have them pack up their favorite toys and label their boxes with crayons and stickers.
Ages 6 to 12
These children will want to know how the everyday routines of their lives are going to change. If your children take dance lessons, karate, plays hockey, soccer, baseball, etc., or even if their favorite thing to do is go to the pizzeria and play video games, you can find these places in your new neighborhood and bring back pictures or brochures. Signing them up for sports teams is a great way to ease the transition into a new area.
Elementary age kids are usually most concerned with how the everyday routines of their lives are going to change. Showing them pictures, videos and magazines of their new home will help a lot, especially if you can find new places in advance for the things they like to do.
Elementary-age children present a few more challenges. If they are going to have their own room for the first time or a bigger yard, you have a great bargaining position. Keep in mind that children tend to think negatively about relocating. Before you move, visit your new home and town together. Visit the school and meet your child's new teacher, if possible. Leave the school visit with a map and schedule.
When children leave their friends or a home they love, they experience a sense of loss. They might have no one to play with in the new neighborhood or have trouble making friends. It can be unsettling if the
new school is further ahead or behind academically. Young children may not have the words to explain exactly how they feel, so watch for signs of
unhappiness, such as increased clinging or negative acting out. Keep track of grades and homework.
Try and make dinner a time when everybody sits down together and shares his or her day. Children can learn to express their feelings byhearing their parents express theirs. It is also a good time to offer suggestions in dealing with specific problems. Another idea is to have a weekly field trip to discover something fun about your neighborhood. A new ice-cream parlor will do just fine.
Teenagers
Moving is generally not an easy undertaking for any family. It is particularly difficult for families who have teenage children. Teenagers have their own friends, their own schools, and even to some extents, their own lives. And for a teenager who has found a comfortable niche in school, a move can be really terrifying. Many families simply refuse to relocate with teenagers, particularly if the teens are doing well in school, have appropriate friends, and seem happy and well-adjusted. Sometimes, however, families just don’t have a choice about relocation. In these cases, the key is to minimize whatever damage the move could cause and to maximize any potential up-sides of the move.
Some things to consider:
Teenagers are most concerned with fitting in. They worry about making new friends and adapting to a new school. Will they have the right clothes? What about hairstyles, cars, bicycles, etc.? Be sure to talk with them about their concerns, and if you take an orientation trip be sure to take photos of the neighborhood and their new school. Reassure them that they can still keep in touch with their old friends, as well. They may react angrily to the move, even insist they're not going. This is usually due to the total lack of control they have over everything important in their lives--friends, school & jobs-- being disrupted. These children can be very worried about making new friends, and what will be different in the new school.
Teenagers are budding adults. Many of them hold part-time jobs and go to school. They are developing their own life competencies and skills. What better time to give them a hands-on real life experience than a family move? Enlist their assistance. Get them involved. Teens are often more comfortable with the on-line world than their parents are. The family can draw up a list of questions or concerns about the new location. Then the teens in the family can be assigned to research those concerns on line. They can easily download information on getting new driver’s licenses, which counties have which property taxes, which school systems are rated the best, and even neighborhood or area statistics for the new location. It’s hard for your teenagers to remain alienated or uninvolved when they have such significant work to do for the family.
Teenagers (and even pre-teens) can be put in charge of the moving sale the family will inevitably have (for a fair share of the profits, of course!) Again, involving teens in the family project that a move really is will only keep them more involved and invested in the family’s successful move. Teens should be able to make their own decisions about what to keep, sell, and donate. They should even be part of the family discussion with various realtors. Once a realtor is chosen, there is no reason why teenagers should not participate in the necessary house "fix-up" projects the realtor recommends. And they will be far more cooperative in this part of the sales strategy if you and the realtor do a good job of explaining how much better the house will show and sell with some TLC applied.
"Moving is a difficult transition for anyone, let alone a teenager who is already grappling with the acne, voice changes, teen love and peer pressure.
Here are some savvy steps parents can take to help teenagers make a move with the least amount of stress.
Good timing can be everything.
Ask your teens for input on upcoming important events. If possible, plan the move to coincide with a natural transition like the end of soccer season or after the violin recital.
Include the teen in the home search.
Tour schools, parks and athletic centers while house hunting. Your home choice could center around your teens' activities. Bring teens along on house-hunting trips so they can help choose the next home and, more importantly, so they can see how the locals dress and get a feel for the school and recreation programs.
Collect as much information as possible. If they are not interested in looking at this now, just leave it out in a place that they can read through it when they are ready to.
Arrange for a copy of the school newspaper to check activities, sports, and cultural programs. Involve them in the moving and resettling plans. Ask them to navigate the Internet and collect information about the new town, schools, houses, maps – and share what they find.
Visit the new school to observe how students dress.
Remember, it is important to teens to be fashionable. Consider checking out the malls if a quick wardrobe update is in order and in the budget.
Investigate your new area.
Zero in on places and things of special interest to your children (such as ice rinks, malls, ball fields, bike paths).
Do some pre-move legwork.
Contact the new school for timely information on the transfer of credits and registration dates as well as deadlines for joining team sports, dramatics, etc.
Keep in touch with friends.
Reassure the kids they will be able to call and visit their old friends. Arrange a return visit to give the teen something to look forward to.
Get your teen to check with their friends to see if they might have relatives or other friends that your teen can contact. It will help them to meet new friends and will also make them feel like they have a piece of their old friends with them. It will help. Your teen and friends can call them and set up times to meet in the new location once you are relocated.
Be empathetic.
It’s tough to be uprooted in the teen years. Listen to your child’s concerns and talk them over. Be understanding, and share your own feelings. The whole family may be a bit sad, but be positive about new opportunities and a fresh start. Communicate frequently about feelings, and give your teens control over their stuff, if possible.
Maintain family rituals and structure.
Moving poses special challenges for ever-vulnerable teenagers. Typically, the further along in high school a teen is, the more difficult the move. When a friend moves away, those left behind suffer a loss, but they still have each other, familiar routines and places and a common culture. Not so for the teen who relocates. That teen loses most support systems – except the family – at a time when the teen is often trying to become more independent of the family. Since many teens in the new town will have already established long-term relationships with their peers, a new teen moving into the area may find it hard to make friends. This is especially true if the newcomer is not at his or her best – grieving the loss of the old life, perhaps, or depressed or angry about the move. Take the opportunity to strengthen family ties by encouraging family members to support each other through continued family rituals and structure.
Provide a safety net of old friends through visits or the phone. Check out your new neighborhood. Notice what the kids wear and try to provide clothes that fit with what "everybody is wearing." Open your home to yourchild's new friends and volunteer to be the driver to the mall. Keep up normal family routines; teenagers will never admit it but they still need structure and supervision.
Like the old song says, "Accentuate the positive." Change is never easy, but with some understanding and effort it can be managed. It is worth the trip!
What differences in family life-style might be part of a move? Will both parents be working at the new location? Will the family be able to afford a home with a pool, perhaps? Will brothers who until now have shared a room be able to each have his own room? Will the new home be near professional sports venues which might be of particular interest to teenagers? Again, the key is to involve your teenagers, and preteens, in making the move an interesting time rather than only a sad or stressful time.
It’s also a good idea to encourage any of your children to find ways to maintain bonds with especially good friends they are leaving behind. It may be appropriate for you, or even for another local family member or friend, to host a going away party of some kind. Friends could be encouraged to bring goofy, inexpensive gifts to reflect their favorite times with your child. In some cases where very close relationships are enjoyed between whole families, consider planning a reunion of sorts several months down the road. Your teens can show their old friends around their new stomping grounds, just like you will with their parents.
Many times, we don’t choose to relocate. Relocation is often a function of transfer, or even illness or job loss, and is therefore inherently stressful. People feel they have little controls over such moves. But by pulling together as a family and involving your children, particularly teenagers, some of that sense of control can be regained, and some positive life-skills can be learned. The move becomes more of an adventure than a disaster, and everyone will accept it more readily and adjust to it more smoothly.
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